So, I was inspired reading some other blogs, that, perhaps it could be therapeutic and maybe a little fun. I asked myself...why, you have a livejournal account? I use that account for silly communities I'm a member/lurker of, and I only let a few people read it, and maybe through a blog I could be relatively anonymous, yet perhaps meet other people who can relate in some ways to my life.

I'm an almost 27 yr old, married to a wonderful man for 3 yrs in June (together for 5 yrs). I have 2 stepdaughters, G who is 10 and E who is 17. G lives with us full-time (save for breaks she goes to her mom). We had both the girls full time the first 2 yrs we were together, but E decided to move with her mom for High School 3 yrs ago.

I find myself in a strange place in my life. I live many states away from all my friends. Sure, I've made one or two friends here, but its not quite the same. Most of my friends are at the stage they are starting to get married, and some having babies. I married someone 12 years older....so no one else I know, knows what it's like to have stepchildren (and their psycho mom). My husband, being nearly 40, most of his friends who are going to have kids, have them (near E or G's ages) or don't plan on it. So here's the situation.... I find myself wanting a baby. So, one may say.... well, why don't you then? Hubby has a vasectomy, and has had it for 10yrs. I know that there are some options, but its overwhelming. People are like... why doesn't he just have a reversal, simple. (according to my google research, reversal success after 10+yrs is low) There are other techniques, that have a slew of abbreviations (MESA, TESA,...). I seriously approached the subject last year on my birthday, and I emailed the fertility clinic to find out what might be the first step. They said there was a urologist for my husband to go to.... he still hasn't yet. I emailed again and got the info again recently, and would like him to go, but I don't want to be naggy. It's partially that a ton of people around me are pregnant.... so it makes the longing more.

I knew full-well, marrying him, we might not have kids, and I was ok with that (still am), I would just like to know if the possibility is there. The 2 immediate steps would be, have him go to the urologist and also, find out what (if any ) fertility-wise our insurance covers. If it doesn't cover any treatments.... the issue is dead in the water. We don't have the THOUSANDS of dollars that fertility treatments can cost. I would love to have a baby, but I don't want to mortgage our house over it or become those couples who end up having their entire life revolve around ovulation to the point they hate each other and want to divorce. So it's not a typical "infertility" case, or just wanting to have a baby... there are all sorts of factors.

I have days that all I want is a baby, and others that are trying and I think... well if we don't, in ten years when G graduates, we can jet set to Europe, or go out on school nights... or something. And I think of all the other complicating things... like I haven't finished school (and have huge debt from it), E will start college in a little over a year and we'll have the expenses of that, and where would a baby go in this house....

Yea... that was a big rant for an opening blog. I'm off to go watch Mad Men with my husband.