I just feel....blank.

I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix