I can't believe Christmas is in a week and a half, seems like Dec has flown by. I got stuff from my 12 days of christmas craft swap (finally), and I'm a little disappointed. She got extra time because she sent late. Some of it is pretty... but its not really my taste. I know in a swap you can't totally cater to a person's interests if it falls outside of your crafting abilites, but it seemed as though she just really wanted to use her cricuit machine. I got, as a small a set of scrapbooking cutout, "green living" themed. I don't scrapbook... or have a particular interest in "green" themed stuff. They're perfectly cute, but nothing I'm at all interested. There was a nice torchwood theme bracelet, and she tried on a tardis tea wallet and a tardis tote. My "big" item was a skirt (I had asked for a skirt to wear to work). It doesn't fit... i might be able to tailor it. I understand when you can't have the person try it on as your making it, you have to guess. However, the waistband isn't finished and it isn't lined. I'm hoping I can maybe salvage it. She made me a cute half apron... but it wasn't something I asked for. She had asked me all of these questions about my quilting.... but nothing was quilt themed. Lesson learned I guess. I can't do these christmas swaps, I've been disappointed both time. I put a lot of effort in and got things that I did't feel took as much effort back.

2 weekends ago, K and B came down and hung out. It was really nice and I got to talk about a lot of stuff with them (which inturn let me talk about some stuff with Hubby) and made me feel somewhat better.

Trying to not kill E about school stuff. I know teenagers are "irresponsible", I'm sure I was to an extent, but difference was, I didn't screw about about school stuff, I knew my parents couldn't pay for it. I think she has it in her head that her dad and her mom (HA!) each have more money set aside than is reality. Or that she'll get given money through colleges. Umm... newsflash, you usually have to APPLY to get things like that. Also, she's middle class, white, good grades -- in a word, average. Not that it's a bad thing, but in terms of college money, she doesn't stand out -- she's not a minority or the first in her family to go to college, she's not valedictorian or plays sports.

I have another hour of scanning (its one of those weeks at work) then I'm going to try to swing by the mall to fuel G and my sister's Monster High habit.

Podcasts have become my new addiction (yes, I'm slow - I think they've been around for like 5+ years). I've been listening to Radio Free Burrito and The Nerdist.
Wil Wheaton - totally a nerd crush. I never watched Star Trek next generation, but I adore him in Big Bang Theory and the Guild. His writing is great, his stories and his blog. I really like his stories about parenting. He's a step-parent too, so it gives me a little faith I can do this whien I think I can't.
Chris Hardwick -- I used to love him on Singled Out. His podcast is hilarious, and nerdy, and he loves Doctor Who..'nuff said.

I'm starting to hate the holidays. All the baby mama drama, it's just draining and frustrating. It makes me feel used and marginalized a lot of the time. Its their mom - I get that, I don't want to replace her, or be her or whatever. It's just really frustrating to do all the day to day stuff, and the extras, and if she does something even semi-decent (or I don't know... expected) - we're shit upon like we don't do anything at all for the kids.
I've sort of decided that for the month of Dec (til we get both kids for christmas), I'm stepping back. I'm not doing any extra stuff, I'm not helping or offering without being asked politely.

Yesterday, for example, I get "you should make gingerbread cookies, I want to decorate them", "I want to watch an episode of Glee, can I watch the dvds in my room" (I just got that set for a present from my sister), "here, my mom thought you could take me here" (handing me a card for a bead shop)" "I want to watch it" (Pushing next me on the couch and wanting me to play monster high episode on my laptop). And then a big fight about Girl Scouts and making commitments and not backing out of them.
Acting like she's being punished for having to go to Girl Scouts. I asked multiple times this summer did she still want to do it, she said yes. So I signed her up. I've bought her a new shirt for it and sold candy for the fall product sale, and taken her to the meetings. She has proceeded to act like a spoiled brat at every meeting and it's embarassing. It's a waste of my time, and it makes me look bad. I'd quit taking her, but I'm trying to make the point of you don't commit to something and then flake (LIKE HER MOM DOES ALL THE TIME!).

I was going to rant some more... but I don't feel great, maybe later :P

I just feel....blank.

I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix

Yea, Not good about updating frequently. I thought maybe instead of listing all the things that are wrong/tough/stressful right now, maybe I'd write a list of good things and it would make me feel better.

~Doing a craft swap on craftster. I have a neat partner and some great ideas (I just need some time to work on them all)
~My huge stack of library books - hopefully I can renew them one more time and finish them in Nov.
~The beautiful weather. I haven't been out in it much, but it's been lovely when I have.
~Halloween weekend. We have boo at the Zoo, the Halloween Parade and hopefully the Jenny and Johnny concert.
~Comic-Con tickets go on sale Nov 1
~The new Belle and Sebastian cd. Picked it up yesterday. It's lovely... and it happened to be on sale (bonus!)
~The second season of In Treatment came out on dvd this week
~New season of Sanctuary starts (though we're still catching up on the second one)
~Lots of bands coming to town, hoping we can take in a show or two.
~Christmas shopping/planning. I enjoy trying to find items for people that are suited. Pretty much done with E & G. Hubby's sister and brother in law are a pain to shop for, but I got Battlestar Galactica travel mugs. Hubby is hard too. Probably a video game or 2 or maybe new shoes

I"m trying to just breathe and make it through the next 3 weeks... i feel like I'm getting a hole in my stomach

My dad's in town to visit, so yay. I think he, G and I are going to go see Alpha and Omega this afternoon when I get home from work, as G doesn't have school today and Hubby has an inservice and parent teacher conferences. It doesn't look like that great of a movie, but honestly, I'd rather do that than her as to have her friend over... I'm ready for a little extra kids-free time at our house this week. I like her friends, they're nice kids, but when it's stretches out an entire weekend bouncing houses, it can get a little tiring.

I think my thesis meeting went ok last week and we got some stuff accomplished. She basically implied it was going to take her a few days to get to looking at it.... so I took a few days to get corrections done. I figure she won't get it back to me til the end of this week, so I should be able to just hang out with my dad this week. I'm a little panicked that I won't get it done by the Nov 1 defense deadline. And, I was informed that there will be a new head of the Graduate studies... so that might change the format they want the paper in...*sigh*

I'm feeling like I need some changes, but not quite sure how to approach them. Some are me. My hair, it so needs a cut,something with a little style to it...but I don't know how to cut it, or when really. If I wait so hubby can go get a hair cut too... I think our first open weekend is middle of October :P My weight. I'm not a big girl, but I'm not a skinny minny... I have a bit of a tummy. I don't feel great about it to begin with, but when someone asks me if I'm pregnant (like last week) I want to burst into tears. A lot of the time though, I feel too busy or tired to work out. Starting in Oct, when it's not so hot out, I'm going to try to walk every other day.
Other things are around the house. Things feel cluttered, I want new couches with out lumpy pillows or torn up arms from the cats. I tried making a slipcover for one, but I don't know that it's going to work. I covered the cushions, and I need more fabic for the couch itself. When you add up all the cost... I could have bought a slipcover

We've been busy busy lately. Birthday parties, sleepovers, baby showers, etc. I got to see our sitter's baby... he's precious. I could have held him for hours. My "baby" dog wanted to lick the baby's face so bad and wasn't sure what to think when the baby was on my lap. Made me want a baby so bad. We went to K's baby shower. It was nice, and she really liked the quilt, which made me happy. I still have to finish a quilt for her older kiddo. Next weekend is an anime convention in Baton Rouge. I have to finish G's costume (a pokemon) and make a hat for her friend to wear. Yea... pokemon do not translate easily into costumes.
I sort of have felt in a funk the last couple of days. I had bad dreams about my mom last night, so that didn't help. I haven't gotten an email with corrections from my advisor in over a week, so that's ramping up my anxiety. I'm feeling fat, yet haven't quite found the motivation to start working out (I'm going to try and remedy that and walk tonight).
I've started Christmas shopping some. Before you say "Whoa, that's early"... G wants Monster High stuff (not to mention so does my sister) and I'm finding that it's rather hard to come by in the store, and to some extent online, so I'm ordering what I can when I can. She'll have 3 of the main series dolls and the fourth character, but from, the Dawn of the Dance line. We may let her have one early if she saves up her allowance (i'll "magically" find Lagoona Blue at the store one day). They have bags and slippers and stuff... but I haven't seen those in person yet. I have some ideas for craft projects floating around in my head, most recently doing some monster themed sleep pants. I figure, she's doing a sleepover a weekend and she can't just wear a tshirt (her friends all have brothers). Halloween fabric might do the trick, and I was also thinking some mint green ones with black "stitches" from markers would be good Frankie Stein style.

E is irritating me with the scholarship stuff. It takes her 3 weeks to get us an email of which ones she's completed and they're basically all sweepstakes type ones... yea might as well buy a lottery ticket. It's frustrating because she's at her mom's and it doesn't seem like her mom keeps on her to get stuff done. We get the response "we've got a calendar"... yea the calendar doesn't complete the applications for you, just tells you when they are. I sent a list of all the ones due in September and yesterday sent a slew more of art contests she could do (um, hello, you want to do art, doing something that has a set up theme already... good practice). It's just frustration. I"m not in a position at the moment to help out a whole lot financially with her school, so I'm try to help with scholarship searches, etc (let's not even touch on the fact that her mother does not work and her little brother is in school... so her mom could do these searches).

I got an email for Girl Scouts for G. I'm not entirely sure she's even really into it this year, but it's with a new troop...again, so we'll see if this one is more organized. One day at a time I suppose

Good intentions

Maybe I can keep this updated weekly since daily isn't happening.
My birthday weekend was good. Baton Rouge with K was fun. Yummy Thai food, a run to Babies R Us and beniets (ben-yay....how ever it's spelt) and stopping by her friend B's house. There was suppose to be a Tokyopop thing on saturday...but it turned out it was just them driving their van around. Sunday we went to lunch. We were going to hit up a movie while G was playing at a friend's house, but there were none playing at that time. Got a really good frozen strawberry pie from the store and enjoyed a sunday night of True Blood, Mad Men and Hung. G has been bouncing to a lot of sleep overs/playdates, which is good for her. We did get to catch Scott Pilgrim last weekend while see was a sleepover... it was a lot of fun, I can't wait to finish the rest of the comics.
I worked some more on thesis this week. I'm terrified about not getting it done for the fall semester. I think I will have a nervous breakdown if that happens, it's dragged on way to long.
This weekend G has a birthday party to go to (I hate when invites get sent home like 3 days before) on saturday, saturday night we have hubby's friends traditional August dinner (there are a bunch of birthdays in August, so they try to have dinner). Sunday is K's baby shower. I'm done with the quilt, I just need to wash it and trim threads. I was totally in love with it till I put the binding on. I tried hand binding to make the stitches invisible, but that didn't work, so I machine binded and i ended up with these ugly stitches on the front side. I tried a few times to fix it, but it didn't work. I made her some flannel wipes, and I may see if I can find some more flannel in my stash this afternoon and make some more. I was going to make some embelished burp cloths from cloth diapers, but I realized, if she's cloth diapering, maybe she can use them as inserts, so I'll give her the rest of the pack at some time.

Our former sitter said she'll try to come by this afternoon with the baby. We haven't met him yet so I'm sort of excited, I want to see him and hold him, but I'm afraid it will make me a little bummed too. Another person at work mentioned they were pregnant this week. It just makes me feel a little... blah.
When I get home I should probably clean up and vacuum. Not that the baby will be on the floor...but there are threads and stuff everywhere. I'm feeling an urge to clean/declutter/re-do stuff. I started with the couch. I don't really like the couch to begin with, the back cushions suck up way too much space and aren't that comfortable. THe cats have scratched up the arm. I bought 2 king size sheets (I'm going to need one more) in an attempt to make cushion covers and a slipcover of sorts. I'm hoping in the end it doesn't look like a couch draped in a sheet....
I covered one cushion (the closure is sort of a mess... but I'm leaving it be for now) and plan to cover the other today. The back cushions are going to be replaced by some oversized throw pillows or something. I'm thinking some black and white damask and maybe some black corderoy or something for texture and softness.
When it's not so hot, I plan on reorganizing my craft stuff (garage storage + 100 heat index = bad idea to stay in there for hours). I need to clean out my closet as well.

I just had inspiration hit as I'm sitting here "babysitting" a kid doing testing (making sure they complete it) for a Monster High inspired quilt or pillows or something. G is really in to them (I thought they were awesome at Comic-Con and my sister is really into them.). I wish I would have gotten her the limited edition one. She's saving up for one, but they're hard to come across in the store. We ordered her 3 directly from Mattel. We're going to try and save them for christmas, but if she gets the $16 saved (that's a big if, there's an anime convention in 2 weeks that will most likely have Pokemon stuff and a new Harvest Moon game she wants) I'll some how "find" one at the store one day while she's at school (that is take one from my closet) and let her give us the money. Now if we could only teach her older sister to be responsible with money/ordering things/paying people back.

Yea, I sort of suck at keeping this updated, it's been almost a month, but in my defense, very busy.

Comic Con was AMAZING, and I should do a recap post sometime soon. My alone "grownup" time with hubby was too short. My mom's memorial went well, better than I expected. Got to hang out with some people at the Mall of America and some family, which was actually ok. Held one of my cousin's babies a lot, she was almost 4 months old and so sweet. With my birthday this weekend... I really miss my mom. It seems surreal she's not here. A small wooden box, placed inside of a plastic one...3 feet in the ground.

Hubby and G officially started school today. G is in the fifth grade, so it's the last year of elementary school for her. I need to pay my tuition this week (blech, feels like such a waste of money) and go over the latest corrections to my thesis. I've put them off for the last 2.5 weeks. I want to enjoy my weekend, so I really need to work on them this afternoon. Ive made myself a deal, I can watch Hung while I eat my lunch, but then I must buckle down and look at the corrections. K invited me to hang out friday at sometime, so I'll probably do that, if the tropical storm quits dumping rain. Saturday Tokyopop is suppose to have a tourbus somewhere in the city, but it hasn't been announced yet. Sunday is my birthday. I want to sleep in, and maybe go out to eat, and veg out to the tv with hubby in the evening. I desperately want to see Scott Pilgrim this weekend, but unless I go with K (which I would feel bad about going w/o hubby) or G has a sleepover somewhere, I'm probably not going to be able to go this weekend.

Babies are getting to my brain again. Our sitter had her baby the end of july (I still haven't met him yet), a lady at work is due the beginning of September, I just finished a quilt for her, I snuggled my cousin's baby a bunch this weekend and my friend K is due mid sept, has a baby shower at the end of this month (need to finish the quilt for that...) I was looking at baby stuff yesterday at toysrus. It all so cute and adorable (and a ton of it not necessary), I just want to hold it like precious little jewels.

Had a pretty nice weekend overall. Thursday after work hubby met me and we went for lunch at a Vietniemese restaurant, it was yummy, and they had bubble tea. We worked at the daquiri shop in the evening. Friday afternoon we checked out the renovated theaters at Canal place (yay! Cheese plate) and saw The Girl Who Played With Fire. Friday night we sorta just vegged around the house. Saturday hubby drove me and I went to a Lolita tea meet up. People were late, and I was probably the oldest person there, but I still had fun. The tea and food were wonderful. The rest of the evening we just hung out, watched Doctor Who, vegged out. Sunday we saw Inception (pretty good) and then worked at the daquiri shop. So difficult to get up this morning! Hubby seemed sort of irritated all weekend. I don't know if it was at me, or in general or what. On sunday he mentioned he was frustrated about his art, that he didn't think it was where it should be (I don't know what that means... I'm not an artist.) so maybe that's what he was in a sour mood over.

Just as the best part starts, it ends so abruptly..

Don't you hate when a good dream is interrupted by the alarm clock? I was having a good James Spader/hubby dream when my alarm rudely went off this morning. Backstory: By "james spader/hubby" (get your mind out of the gutter, I don't mean "slash"...not that I would be opposed...). My husband resembles a young James Spader. That was actually the first thing I said to him when I met him. Seriously, his high school graduation pic screams James Spader in pretty in pink (Minus the rich boy asshole personality). I have a mega crush on Mr Spader, so it's a nice bonus. The dream, it was honestly hard to tell if it was my husband, or said actor (cira "secretary", not puffy "Boston Legal") because at one point I remember telling some one that my husband resembled JS. Any way, there was funny flirty making out, I was sad to wake up. I had a similar fun make out dream with John Barrowman (yes, I know how silly that is considering... but he is so yummy!).

I got a letter in the mail yesterday, I have freaking jury duty again, this time for District court. I have to go in next tues (I just had parish jury duty last week) and then I'll have to serve some time in September. It's super annoying. However, looking on the positive side, I guess, at least it's not scheduled during our vacation next week. I worked on my thesis again yesterday afternoon -- it never fails to make me cry. I broke my glasses this morning. I was wrestling my ipod charger from between my car seats and it flew back and hit me in the face, breaking the ear piece off my glasses. I was worried I was going to get a black eye.

I love Michael Cera and Jason Bateman. Sure, Michael Cera is a little type casted, but he's great. Nick and Norah was on yesterday, so I had that on in the background, and we watched an episode of Arrested Development and I have Juno playing on my ipod while I'm scanning. Jason Bateman, I remember having a crush on him when he was on Hogan's Family (or whatever the show with Sandy Duncan was). He was good in Juno (though I sorta hated that made him hit on her towards the end...), extract was funny and I like what I've seen of Arrested Development.

Finished the quilt top for K's new baby. Husband is supose to meet me for lunch and I"m going to cover a shift at the daquiri shop tonight.

I really want to get in a better habit of keeping this up to date. E&G are now both with their mom. Hubby took E to go look at some colleges before bringing her back to her mom's. Both seemed like pretty viable options (one had seemed iffy based on their website), now it will just be a matter of her staying on top of applications and scholarships(!!!). Hubby was gone for 3 days, I missed him, but I stayed pretty busy, I worked a shift at the Daquiri shop to help out, had jury duty and regular work. This weekend was nice, we didn't really do a whole lot of anything. Saturday we slept in, Lebanon cafe, comic store, wandered around while we waited out the rain, and vegged out at home. Sunday we got brunch tacos and saw Despicable Me, it was fun and enjoyed a new episode of True Blood in the evening. I had my yearly exam yesterday and made sure I updated my file with info about my mom. She said everything looked good (I swear, they do not have a gentle touch checking your ovaries). She referred me to a counselor to discuss whether or not I should get tested for the genetic marker for breast cancer. That's kinda of scary. I know this meeting will be to discuss whether it's necessary or not, but what if it is, and what if I have it? I mentioned to Ron, should I ask the person if possible fertility treatments in the future are a risk for those with a familial history of breast cancer, regardless of marker? I know a friend of mine was told when her mom was diagnosed that she shouldn't birth control because it could increase her chances of cancer. It's all scary.

On a lighter note .... 9 days til vacation!!! I still have a ton to do like get the dog boarded, clean house, pay bills, etc. I'd much rather just spend the time with the hubby and crafting, but there's evil stuff like my thesis that need to be worked on *Sigh* Saturday a group of local lolita are going to go to high tea at the Ritz (there's a anime convention downtown this weekend), we're skipping the con to save money for vacation, but I'm planning on doing tea as I've wanted to do high tea for a while as the only other time I've done it is with G for a children's tea. I'm hoping it will be fun. The local lolitas seem nice enough, but most are a good bit younger than me, no jobs, not married, etc, so I don't have a lot in common with them. I'm going to see if Ron will help me pick out something to wear :P We're going to go play trivia tonight I think.

Haven't updated it almost 2 weeks... lets see.
Did go to BR to see K and her friend B. Had a lovely time. Went to an awesome Japanese restaurant and tried new food, went and browsed fabric and picked out some to make K's baby blanket, went swimming at B's parents house (it's been like 2 years since I've been in a pool), then ended up going out to eat with K's husband, their daughter and her husband's mom and step dad. It was a really nice day. K being pregnant makes me sort all eggy, but at the same time, it's been the first time that a good friend is pregnant and I'm actually close enough by to say, visit and get to see the kiddo after it's born. I moved before all my friends at home from prep/HS started having babies, I haven't met any of them, and some are 2!

G & E's mom (usually referred to as Psycho by me -- mature? no... but if you've met her, you understand), decided that she was going to drive in last week for "parents day" at the art camp. Mind you, hubby teaches at said art camp and has for years. Since I've been in the picture (5 yrs) she has not once come for parents day at the camp... even when she lived in the same damn town. I"m sure she had some sort of other reason for coming. My bet was she wanted to get her brother to take her out on his boat to go looky-loo at the oil spill. The other plausible explanation is that her son was driving her nuts and getting G 2 weeks early might give her a reprive. She took her Wed after camp, came to the camp thurs, pulled grace out early because her son was throwing a fit (logic would be, let G stay and get dropped off rather than her be punished by her brother's behavior), I guess they headed back to Tx on friday. I wish I would have known she was going directly with her mom wed, I would have made sure to give her a squeeze on my way out the door on Wed morning.
The rest of the week was rather uneventful. Friday I took the dog to the vet, it was expensive. Sat morning we took the dog for a 'temperament test" at the dog nanny place, to make sure he can play nice with other dogs. He seemed to have fun, but I'm still going to feel bad leaving him for 5 days in July. The rest of Saturday we didn't really do anything productive. Husband and I ended up getting into it about babies and pregnancy. It came up innocently in the car on the way home from getting groceries. Off course the second we walk in the house, he drops the the topic. Well later in the evening, I tried to broach it again. He tells me house he doesn't want it to become a fight, and he feels like he's being punished for other people's rudeness and that I only bring it up if someone has said something to me about it, and that he's seen it become a big issue with other people. I ended up just feeling super hurt, and misunderstood, and not on the same page at all. I went and sat in the bathroom and cried the rest of the night. I tried to discuss it with him the next day. I told him I was sorry that he felt like I took out my reaction to other people on him. I tried to explain, I feel horrid about myself if people ask if my pregnant (I have a bit of a tummy, it sucks), and that it's hard explaining to people, No, I don't have children of my own. My Husband has a vasectomy. He got it before I ever met him. Yes, they CAN be reversed, but have mixed results. Umm.. yea we don't know, maybe in the future, depends on insurance and life etc. He doesn't get asked about it as much. I tried to explain too, that yes, I have days I really want a baby, and yes, I will probably be a little disappointed if we can't have a baby and I may be a little bummed out. That doesn't change how I feel about him or wanting to be with him. I knew he had vasectomy when I married him. If he had said there's no way we can have a baby, do you still want to marry me, I would have still said yes.
I just felt like he was viewing me as someone obsessed with having a baby and I would become one of those people who destroys their marriage over it. First of all, I don't want A baby, I want OUR baby. If I wanted a baby, I could do sperm donation or adoption (both of which are wonderful options for other people). I don't want to go thousands of dollars into debt doing fertility treatments, I don't even want a definite, yes, we're going to try to have a baby. There are 2 things I'd like. Find out if our insurance covers anything. If it doesn't at all, than it's pretty much a moot subject. Its just not logical for us to go into extreme debt just to get pregnant (That's not counting the cost of the child once it's born). He has 2 beautiful girls to take care of right now, one of which starts college in a year that we have to help pay for, I still have pretty big student loans to pay for and am only working part time. Sometime I wish we could just throw caution to the wind and just have a baby no matter what, or that some how, one of his 'swimmer" magically made it through :P I don't want to destroy our marriage over it, it's not worth that. The second thing is, if insurance does cover it, have Hubby go to a specialist to find out what options there are because of the vasectomy. Those are the two big yes or no things that i would like to know soon, because I feel it would give me piece of mind. Even if both were big flashing green lights, that doesn't mean I'd want to be like "hey, lets start this baby process now!!' Hell, I don't think either of us are entirely sure about having one. I just want to know if it's a viable option, that's all. Now I'm sort of paranoid that he thinks I'm nuts about baby stuff. But I want to remind him, I've always fawned over cutsey baby stuff, even as a pre-teen, and currently, I'm surrounded by a lot of people having babies, so it's hard not to get swept up in it. I worry sometimes that I would be terrible at the parenting thing and that I already don't get enough husband alone time and maybe it would be terrible and it would 18 more years and then I just start to feel like a nutcase.

Sunday we grabbed lunch at Juan's Flying Burrito (yum!) and then saw an art exhibit at the CAC. It was called "freak parade" by Thomas Woodruff. It was a series of paintings that all linked together that were sort of like circus freak performers of his own creation. I really liked it.

School... still sucks. It's not even worth bitching about as it will just irritate the crap out of me. I have to drive up there to get some help. I hope she'll actually help, not just talk around it and tell me other people I can ask for help. She said she only has 45 mins, which will probably be more like 30... so I'll drive like an hr and 30 mins each way, for 30-45min worth of her time.

Things are going a bit better with E. Maybe it's just that when we have the two of them and a lot going on it gets overwhelming... I dunno. It's still like pulling teeth to get her to get stuff done. There's like 10 total scholarships I want her to get done before she leaves, because it's pretty obvious watching her and hearing Husband talk about what her mom says/complains about/doesn't do herself.... no other scholarship stuff will get done the rest of the summer or fall unless required by school.

This has been an epic post, but it felt sorta good to get it of my chest

just keep swimming, just keep swimming...

Yea... so it's hard to look on the bright side when stupid crap keeps happening. When I got home last friday, I had an email... one of my thesis committee members retired (due to budget cuts) and no one told me. Then I got informed it was my responsibility to get a new member. I have now since done that and got some help with stats, but I'm super stress and just so over this thesis s**t.

Saturday was the babyshower for our babysitter. It was nice. Good food and she had a good time I think. I was proud how the quilt turned out, and people commented about it. It all sort of made me feel sad about babies though. Here's this child having a child. Everyone is cooing over the cute stuff. I hate that I pass the baby sections in stores, and touch everything with a sense of longing. I know lots of people who are having babies, so I can buy things for them. Sometimes that makes me feel happy, getting to buy the cute stuff I see... other times it makes me sort of sad. I have times when I'm like... well if we had a baby, we wouldn't be able to go to comic con this summer (35days!) or I already don't get enough alone grown up "husband time". But, when it comes down to it, there's a big part of me that wants one.



Trying to do better with E. Trying to ignore the stuff that annoys me (not picking up, not working on stuff she's suppose to be). I do remind hubby... "hey, isn't she suppose to work on..." which probably annoys him. I did read over a scholarship essay for her. She seemed a little annoyed that I actually had corrections and suggestions other than spelling and punctuation, and that I wanted her to type it BEFORE the deadline so we could go over it again. I sat with her yesterday and helped her order some Copic markers. Not that I know anything thing about the markers, but I'm probably a smidge more internet price comparison shopping savvy than hubby. We got her the manga wallet B and most of the colors that are in the "manga fleshtone" pack for $131 shipped. If any one has looked at prices of Copics... it can cost that much for the one wallet set, and we got like 6 more pens. The other night she and I did some clothes browsing on an asian clothing site. There's some things she wants to order and I said I'd help (she has to use her own money). I'm trying to make sure G doesn't feel like all the attention (esp. her dad's) isn't going all to E while she's here. Since the way it seems is, G gets forgotten at her mom's house between stuff for E and stuff for their little brother over there.



I've gotten myself quite excited for comic con by reading blogs, rumors, guides etc on the internet (yup, big nerd). If nothing else, I'm excited to get out of town for a few days. I'm hoping to pick up a shift or 2 for a friend at the daiquiri shop he manages in July to make some spending money (or money to pay for the dog to be boarded while we're gone... whatever).



I think on saturday I'm going to go have lunch and hang out with a friend in Baton Rouge. Then, of course there is Doctor Who in the evening :D Sunday I plan to take hubby and kids to see Toy Story 3 for father's day. I got him an ipod for anniversary last week, so I told him that has to double as a father's day present as well. Then some True Blood and another weekend will be over too quickly.

Always look on the Bright Side of Life.....

*insert Eric Idle whistling*
So I figured since a lot of my posts so far have been complaining, that I'd write a list of good things/Things I'm looking forward to/things I"m enjoying, etc.

• 41 days til Comic Con - This has become a mantra for me, to keep me going and working on things. So far, there's only a handful of artists/authors announced that I know, but heck, I'd go just for the vendors and the experience of it all

• Third anniversary with Hubby on the 9th. It was nice. We both had work, but we were able to go out to dinner alone at Tujauges.

• Season 3 premiere of True Blood this sunday - yea, the show's a little campy, but I love it. The books are fun too. Going to the ultimate fan thing that the theater last week really helped put me in the mood for it. Plus, I have a bottle of TruBlood to try whilst watching :D

• Cold Brew Iced Tea - I've probably drank almost a liter a day. When I make tea at home, it never tastes like it does in a resturaunt, but it's still good. Sometimes I put a little sugar free Raspberry syrup in it if I'm feeling adventurous.

• Finished the baby quilt for the shower for our babysitter this weekend (Won't get into the whole teen pregnancy thing right now). Finished 1 crib sheet -- which turned into an ordeal, that could have been avoided had I not assumed all fabric was the same width. I hope to finish 2 more crib sheets and maybe some burp cloths tonight.

• Drumstick Sprinkled Cones

• Mad Men - we watched all 3 seasons in the span of a month or so. Looking forward to the new season in July

• Watching series we've netflixed in the evenings with Hubby - Bonekickers hasn't been as good as other BBC series we've watched. This will probably slow some as we have both kids. Maybe rent some movies we can all watch... and of course some Pokemon for G who's become a junkie. At least with a dvd she can watch in her room and not in the living room.

• That I've gotten to cook twice with Basil I grew and that the bell pepper plants acctually have peppers starting on them.

• Reading the book(s) I told myself I'd save for the comic con trip.

• That hubby seemed to be touched by his anniversary present (ipod) and excited to use it. He's been filling it with songs each day)

• That there's suppose to be another season/series of Torchwood -- I'm a little worried that it's suppose to be "torchwood international", cause US networks could totally muck it up.

This is going to be a long summer...

She's only been here 2 hours and I'm already frustrated.

Don't get me wrong, I love E, but she is very frustrating. Husband and I had discussed that there were scholarships she needed to work on while she's here and she needed to spend the first week studying for ACT. The summer art camp he teaches at asked if she could be an assistant. She wants the money, he said yes. So from 7-430 each day, she'll be there. When she did it last year, she would promptly come come and sleep for 2-4 hours.

She has one week to study for the ACT. I figured between the camp and the scholarships we wanted her to do and some art lessons hubby wanted to do with her, she'd be plenty busy. Well she comes with this 20+ item assignment for AP studio next year (which sound so strange... how can you advance place on art skills you're suppose to be taught) and a reading list which she hasn't even gotten yet. 20+ assignments (she claims some she can do on her own...), 6 or so scholarships, studying, photographing art work.... for someone who has no time management and is unmotivated. She already dumped stuff all over her room. She picked on her sister as soon as she got here (at 17.... she's big enough to not need to do that to a 10 yr old). I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of shit that doesn't get done.

I was trying to nicely bring it up now... hey, do you think she's going to have enough time to work full time and get this other school stuff done, and both her and hubby just stare at me. yes, she could, if she really buckled down. As she was insisting she could, I reminded her, hey, you're the one who would come home and sleep last year and you haven't completed hardly any of the scholarships we've shown you... so pardon me if I don't have a lot of confidence.

I'm just frustrated.

I'm going to try to keep my distance as much as possible. When ever I start to fuss about the messes or the lack of respect -- Husband gets all defensive, acts like I have PMS and tells me to forget it or go take a bath. It pisses me off to no end. She's not a child, she's 17, going on 18. If everyone thinks she's adult enough to go to college, she's adult enough to pick up her clothes, make her bed, and not rifle through other people's stuff, especially mine.

I've been very cranky lately. I dunno what it is. Some of it is stress, and last week I blamed my period, but grr. Getting headaches a lot is really frustrating. I finished getting the pilot study part of my thesis typed today. That should feel like an accomplishment, but it doesn't, considering it's taken 3 weeks to do. I had to put all the data into SPSS. I had originally done it in Excel. I dunno what made me think I wouldn't have to do it over in SPSS (perhaps the fact that I didn't have a copy of SPSS at the time-- and didn't want to drive an hr+ to go use the computers on campus). I'm to the point I don't even care about my thesis. I have no interest. I feel like grad school had been a giant waste of time and money (money I am still having to fork out.... another $400 for 1 thesis hr over the summer). I just want to be done, but I can't quite seem to get it together and get it finished. Doesn't help that I'm at a loss at how to do the calculations and I get told it was something I should have learned in class...2 years ago. What I did learn was forgotten, and it was a poorly taught class. I'm sick of PHD's with a powertrip (like PHD bighead at work...)

Husband has to go out of town next week, his aunt is having surgery, and his grandmother most likely has Alzheimer's(they live together), and his sister thinks one of them should be there for the surgery, to assess the situation and incase something goes wrong. We live closer (5hrs...vs Arizona), so he gets to be the one to go. That means I'll have G, by myself Wed afternoon through Saturday. I've had her fulldays and into the late evening, but I've never watched (that sounds like babysitting...) her alone, over night for multiple days. I don't see it being too big of an issue, I just don't want her to freak out. We had to find her a summer camp for next week so that there would be some place for her to go when I"m at work. The real test will be thurs and friday when I have to get her up at 6:15 so I can drop her off before I go to work.

Greekfest is this weekend. We were going to get a babysitter for sat night and go out... but that's not working out. I'm sorta bummed. We'll either take G with (which every year the kids have whined the whole time...) or we won't go. MAybe we'll have luck, and she'll get invited to sleepover (I swear I need a organizer just for her activity and social engagements) and we can go sans kiddo

Eh... it's already 9:30 and work in the morning....I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow

Getting to know you... getting to know all about you...

I've had a crummy couple of days, but I figured, rather than whine about them, perhaps, I would post a few random things about me.

5 Celebrities I think are Sexy (in no particular order)

1. James Spader. I will now forever have a soft spot in my heart even if he grows out of favor, as the first thing I said when I met my husband was "not to be creepy or anything, but you look like James Spader" (said after staring at him at a concert, trying to place who I thought I looked like)... seriously, I saw his HS senior pic... Hello Steph from Pretty In Pink

2. John Cusack. What can I say, I have a love of cute guys from the 80s. I watched my tape of Say Anything... so many times, it broke and I had to get the dvd. Too bad he's made such crap movies lately, I miss seeing him.

3. John Barrowman. H-O-T. He's a more recent crush. Sure, he's cute and flirty in Doctor Who, but he's down right steamy in Torchwood. I even went so far as to watch the story arc he was in on Desperate Housewives (I've never seen an episode of that show before in my life).

4. Liev Schreiber. I liked him way before he was Sabertooth (or whatever in X-men). My dad used to groan when I'd watch "A Walk on The Moon" again.

5. Paul Rudd. I dunno... geeky charm, thought he was so cute in Clueless and as sad Mr Paris in Romeo & Juliet.

*Please note, I have not included my music crushes :P

** How in the world did I forget DAVID TENNANT!!!?!? I Love him. It took awhile to warm up to Matt Smith, but David Tennant will always be *my* doctor

Shows I am currently enjoying

~Mad Men.... we have been plowing through this, and started the third season yesterday to be caught up by the new season this summer

~Parenthood -- I really like Peter Krause and Lauren Graham, so maybe that's why I like it so much.

~Glee -- Yup, I'm a gleek, and have an unexplainable crush on Mr Shue.

~Re-watching True Blood in anticipation of season 3

~Bones. I had read quite a few of her books before the show started 5 yrs ago. I thought it looked stupid and nothing like the books... And it had Angel from Buffy, and from the few shows of Buffy I had seen... he was awful. However, last summer, TNT was overrun with reruns and I started to like it. I've seen all of this season and have sorta grown like David Boreanaz.

Books in my bag and on my night stand that have bookmarks in them at various stages of being read

~Wicked

~The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

~Burned (House of Night 7) *no comment please, its light fluffy reading and I checked it out from the library*

~Beneath the Light (I think that's what it's called... its a Tony Hill story -- LOVED Wire in the Blood).

I guess that's all for now, I better get back to working on my thesis, at least for a bit.

So, I was inspired reading some other blogs, that, perhaps it could be therapeutic and maybe a little fun. I asked myself...why, you have a livejournal account? I use that account for silly communities I'm a member/lurker of, and I only let a few people read it, and maybe through a blog I could be relatively anonymous, yet perhaps meet other people who can relate in some ways to my life.

I'm an almost 27 yr old, married to a wonderful man for 3 yrs in June (together for 5 yrs). I have 2 stepdaughters, G who is 10 and E who is 17. G lives with us full-time (save for breaks she goes to her mom). We had both the girls full time the first 2 yrs we were together, but E decided to move with her mom for High School 3 yrs ago.

I find myself in a strange place in my life. I live many states away from all my friends. Sure, I've made one or two friends here, but its not quite the same. Most of my friends are at the stage they are starting to get married, and some having babies. I married someone 12 years older....so no one else I know, knows what it's like to have stepchildren (and their psycho mom). My husband, being nearly 40, most of his friends who are going to have kids, have them (near E or G's ages) or don't plan on it. So here's the situation.... I find myself wanting a baby. So, one may say.... well, why don't you then? Hubby has a vasectomy, and has had it for 10yrs. I know that there are some options, but its overwhelming. People are like... why doesn't he just have a reversal, simple. (according to my google research, reversal success after 10+yrs is low) There are other techniques, that have a slew of abbreviations (MESA, TESA,...). I seriously approached the subject last year on my birthday, and I emailed the fertility clinic to find out what might be the first step. They said there was a urologist for my husband to go to.... he still hasn't yet. I emailed again and got the info again recently, and would like him to go, but I don't want to be naggy. It's partially that a ton of people around me are pregnant.... so it makes the longing more.

I knew full-well, marrying him, we might not have kids, and I was ok with that (still am), I would just like to know if the possibility is there. The 2 immediate steps would be, have him go to the urologist and also, find out what (if any ) fertility-wise our insurance covers. If it doesn't cover any treatments.... the issue is dead in the water. We don't have the THOUSANDS of dollars that fertility treatments can cost. I would love to have a baby, but I don't want to mortgage our house over it or become those couples who end up having their entire life revolve around ovulation to the point they hate each other and want to divorce. So it's not a typical "infertility" case, or just wanting to have a baby... there are all sorts of factors.

I have days that all I want is a baby, and others that are trying and I think... well if we don't, in ten years when G graduates, we can jet set to Europe, or go out on school nights... or something. And I think of all the other complicating things... like I haven't finished school (and have huge debt from it), E will start college in a little over a year and we'll have the expenses of that, and where would a baby go in this house....

Yea... that was a big rant for an opening blog. I'm off to go watch Mad Men with my husband.