I survived the holidays. Better than I thought. I really wasn't feeling it. Things went ok with E here. A lot of the time when we have both the kids, and they aren't on a routine, things sort of devolve into chaos and I get really stressed. I did get a little frustrated with the messes and wanted to rant about working on scholarships, but I did minimal. Handed her scholarship sheets, gave her a list with due dates, made some suggestions to streamline, and then went over the list last night to see where she was. I just marked done or not, didn't ask "why not, it wasn't hard", just marked it. She's flying back this afternoon, so last night we ask if she's got all her flight info, ID (which has been a fight with her mom -- just get her a state issued id if she's not getting a driver's liscence), etc. She says that her mom got her the "unaccompanied minor" status (she has never done this in all of the times E has flown). She thinks it must have been by mistake. Me and Hubby are like.... no, it's because she won't get you an ID, and thinks she's proving some point to your dad by not, but security at airports has increased and you're almost 18, you can't mark it by mistake, you pay extra. So I ask if she has her birth certificate, so she can do the 'unaccompanied minor' thing to which I get a blank stare. In retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut, let them go to the airport, and not be able to fly, so that her mom would have to come get her and then maybe get her a damn ID. I'd like to point out the following, that makes this so laughable and dumb -- the flight itself was less than $100, she had to pay an extra $50 for the unaccompanied minor.... getting a state issued ID is less than $25... and she's going to have to go to the DMV in Feb to renew her permit (and get an ID) anyway because E turns 18.... so why not get the ID in October (and november and WAY back in July when it was first suggested? Because -- crazy ex thinks hubby is controlling saying that E needs an ID, and she'll just get her the driver's liscence (which E is, btw, no closer to getting than she was last year). Logic eh?
Back to the New year. I have some Goals/resolutions/whatever you want to call them. I guess writing them here is as good of place as any (I planned to put them in a notebook - but haven't done that yet).
1. Become Full-time at work (started January 1) --- technically I didn't have any control over this one, but it was a goal none the less.
2. Start savings account(s) - G & E for school, plus some for possible fertility stuff and some for whatever (vacation, emergencies, etc)
3. Get tickets for Comic Con 2011 and pay for half the trip (can't accomplish this one till they let us buy the damn tickets!)
4. Exercise 3 times a week. This is going to be harder working full time, but I'm going to try, even if it's the wii fit or a walk on the levee.
5. Take vitamins everyday. I should be in this habit because it's good for you... but also working in a hospital setting, I'm exposed to a lot of funk, so extra protection is good.
6. Go to the dentist twice a year (signing up for dental insurance this week...)
There were other things... but now I can't remember darn it
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I can't believe Christmas is in a week and a half, seems like Dec has flown by. I got stuff from my 12 days of christmas craft swap (finally), and I'm a little disappointed. She got extra time because she sent late. Some of it is pretty... but its not really my taste. I know in a swap you can't totally cater to a person's interests if it falls outside of your crafting abilites, but it seemed as though she just really wanted to use her cricuit machine. I got, as a small a set of scrapbooking cutout, "green living" themed. I don't scrapbook... or have a particular interest in "green" themed stuff. They're perfectly cute, but nothing I'm at all interested. There was a nice torchwood theme bracelet, and she tried on a tardis tea wallet and a tardis tote. My "big" item was a skirt (I had asked for a skirt to wear to work). It doesn't fit... i might be able to tailor it. I understand when you can't have the person try it on as your making it, you have to guess. However, the waistband isn't finished and it isn't lined. I'm hoping I can maybe salvage it. She made me a cute half apron... but it wasn't something I asked for. She had asked me all of these questions about my quilting.... but nothing was quilt themed. Lesson learned I guess. I can't do these christmas swaps, I've been disappointed both time. I put a lot of effort in and got things that I did't feel took as much effort back.
2 weekends ago, K and B came down and hung out. It was really nice and I got to talk about a lot of stuff with them (which inturn let me talk about some stuff with Hubby) and made me feel somewhat better.
Trying to not kill E about school stuff. I know teenagers are "irresponsible", I'm sure I was to an extent, but difference was, I didn't screw about about school stuff, I knew my parents couldn't pay for it. I think she has it in her head that her dad and her mom (HA!) each have more money set aside than is reality. Or that she'll get given money through colleges. Umm... newsflash, you usually have to APPLY to get things like that. Also, she's middle class, white, good grades -- in a word, average. Not that it's a bad thing, but in terms of college money, she doesn't stand out -- she's not a minority or the first in her family to go to college, she's not valedictorian or plays sports.
I have another hour of scanning (its one of those weeks at work) then I'm going to try to swing by the mall to fuel G and my sister's Monster High habit.
2 weekends ago, K and B came down and hung out. It was really nice and I got to talk about a lot of stuff with them (which inturn let me talk about some stuff with Hubby) and made me feel somewhat better.
Trying to not kill E about school stuff. I know teenagers are "irresponsible", I'm sure I was to an extent, but difference was, I didn't screw about about school stuff, I knew my parents couldn't pay for it. I think she has it in her head that her dad and her mom (HA!) each have more money set aside than is reality. Or that she'll get given money through colleges. Umm... newsflash, you usually have to APPLY to get things like that. Also, she's middle class, white, good grades -- in a word, average. Not that it's a bad thing, but in terms of college money, she doesn't stand out -- she's not a minority or the first in her family to go to college, she's not valedictorian or plays sports.
I have another hour of scanning (its one of those weeks at work) then I'm going to try to swing by the mall to fuel G and my sister's Monster High habit.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Podcasts have become my new addiction (yes, I'm slow - I think they've been around for like 5+ years). I've been listening to Radio Free Burrito and The Nerdist.
Wil Wheaton - totally a nerd crush. I never watched Star Trek next generation, but I adore him in Big Bang Theory and the Guild. His writing is great, his stories and his blog. I really like his stories about parenting. He's a step-parent too, so it gives me a little faith I can do this whien I think I can't.
Chris Hardwick -- I used to love him on Singled Out. His podcast is hilarious, and nerdy, and he loves Doctor Who..'nuff said.
I'm starting to hate the holidays. All the baby mama drama, it's just draining and frustrating. It makes me feel used and marginalized a lot of the time. Its their mom - I get that, I don't want to replace her, or be her or whatever. It's just really frustrating to do all the day to day stuff, and the extras, and if she does something even semi-decent (or I don't know... expected) - we're shit upon like we don't do anything at all for the kids.
I've sort of decided that for the month of Dec (til we get both kids for christmas), I'm stepping back. I'm not doing any extra stuff, I'm not helping or offering without being asked politely.
Yesterday, for example, I get "you should make gingerbread cookies, I want to decorate them", "I want to watch an episode of Glee, can I watch the dvds in my room" (I just got that set for a present from my sister), "here, my mom thought you could take me here" (handing me a card for a bead shop)" "I want to watch it" (Pushing next me on the couch and wanting me to play monster high episode on my laptop). And then a big fight about Girl Scouts and making commitments and not backing out of them.
Acting like she's being punished for having to go to Girl Scouts. I asked multiple times this summer did she still want to do it, she said yes. So I signed her up. I've bought her a new shirt for it and sold candy for the fall product sale, and taken her to the meetings. She has proceeded to act like a spoiled brat at every meeting and it's embarassing. It's a waste of my time, and it makes me look bad. I'd quit taking her, but I'm trying to make the point of you don't commit to something and then flake (LIKE HER MOM DOES ALL THE TIME!).
I was going to rant some more... but I don't feel great, maybe later :P
Wil Wheaton - totally a nerd crush. I never watched Star Trek next generation, but I adore him in Big Bang Theory and the Guild. His writing is great, his stories and his blog. I really like his stories about parenting. He's a step-parent too, so it gives me a little faith I can do this whien I think I can't.
Chris Hardwick -- I used to love him on Singled Out. His podcast is hilarious, and nerdy, and he loves Doctor Who..'nuff said.
I'm starting to hate the holidays. All the baby mama drama, it's just draining and frustrating. It makes me feel used and marginalized a lot of the time. Its their mom - I get that, I don't want to replace her, or be her or whatever. It's just really frustrating to do all the day to day stuff, and the extras, and if she does something even semi-decent (or I don't know... expected) - we're shit upon like we don't do anything at all for the kids.
I've sort of decided that for the month of Dec (til we get both kids for christmas), I'm stepping back. I'm not doing any extra stuff, I'm not helping or offering without being asked politely.
Yesterday, for example, I get "you should make gingerbread cookies, I want to decorate them", "I want to watch an episode of Glee, can I watch the dvds in my room" (I just got that set for a present from my sister), "here, my mom thought you could take me here" (handing me a card for a bead shop)" "I want to watch it" (Pushing next me on the couch and wanting me to play monster high episode on my laptop). And then a big fight about Girl Scouts and making commitments and not backing out of them.
Acting like she's being punished for having to go to Girl Scouts. I asked multiple times this summer did she still want to do it, she said yes. So I signed her up. I've bought her a new shirt for it and sold candy for the fall product sale, and taken her to the meetings. She has proceeded to act like a spoiled brat at every meeting and it's embarassing. It's a waste of my time, and it makes me look bad. I'd quit taking her, but I'm trying to make the point of you don't commit to something and then flake (LIKE HER MOM DOES ALL THE TIME!).
I was going to rant some more... but I don't feel great, maybe later :P
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I just feel....blank.
I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix
I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Yea, Not good about updating frequently. I thought maybe instead of listing all the things that are wrong/tough/stressful right now, maybe I'd write a list of good things and it would make me feel better.
~Doing a craft swap on craftster. I have a neat partner and some great ideas (I just need some time to work on them all)
~My huge stack of library books - hopefully I can renew them one more time and finish them in Nov.
~The beautiful weather. I haven't been out in it much, but it's been lovely when I have.
~Halloween weekend. We have boo at the Zoo, the Halloween Parade and hopefully the Jenny and Johnny concert.
~Comic-Con tickets go on sale Nov 1
~The new Belle and Sebastian cd. Picked it up yesterday. It's lovely... and it happened to be on sale (bonus!)
~The second season of In Treatment came out on dvd this week
~New season of Sanctuary starts (though we're still catching up on the second one)
~Lots of bands coming to town, hoping we can take in a show or two.
~Christmas shopping/planning. I enjoy trying to find items for people that are suited. Pretty much done with E & G. Hubby's sister and brother in law are a pain to shop for, but I got Battlestar Galactica travel mugs. Hubby is hard too. Probably a video game or 2 or maybe new shoes
I"m trying to just breathe and make it through the next 3 weeks... i feel like I'm getting a hole in my stomach
~Doing a craft swap on craftster. I have a neat partner and some great ideas (I just need some time to work on them all)
~My huge stack of library books - hopefully I can renew them one more time and finish them in Nov.
~The beautiful weather. I haven't been out in it much, but it's been lovely when I have.
~Halloween weekend. We have boo at the Zoo, the Halloween Parade and hopefully the Jenny and Johnny concert.
~Comic-Con tickets go on sale Nov 1
~The new Belle and Sebastian cd. Picked it up yesterday. It's lovely... and it happened to be on sale (bonus!)
~The second season of In Treatment came out on dvd this week
~New season of Sanctuary starts (though we're still catching up on the second one)
~Lots of bands coming to town, hoping we can take in a show or two.
~Christmas shopping/planning. I enjoy trying to find items for people that are suited. Pretty much done with E & G. Hubby's sister and brother in law are a pain to shop for, but I got Battlestar Galactica travel mugs. Hubby is hard too. Probably a video game or 2 or maybe new shoes
I"m trying to just breathe and make it through the next 3 weeks... i feel like I'm getting a hole in my stomach
Monday, September 20, 2010
My dad's in town to visit, so yay. I think he, G and I are going to go see Alpha and Omega this afternoon when I get home from work, as G doesn't have school today and Hubby has an inservice and parent teacher conferences. It doesn't look like that great of a movie, but honestly, I'd rather do that than her as to have her friend over... I'm ready for a little extra kids-free time at our house this week. I like her friends, they're nice kids, but when it's stretches out an entire weekend bouncing houses, it can get a little tiring.
I think my thesis meeting went ok last week and we got some stuff accomplished. She basically implied it was going to take her a few days to get to looking at it.... so I took a few days to get corrections done. I figure she won't get it back to me til the end of this week, so I should be able to just hang out with my dad this week. I'm a little panicked that I won't get it done by the Nov 1 defense deadline. And, I was informed that there will be a new head of the Graduate studies... so that might change the format they want the paper in...*sigh*
I'm feeling like I need some changes, but not quite sure how to approach them. Some are me. My hair, it so needs a cut,something with a little style to it...but I don't know how to cut it, or when really. If I wait so hubby can go get a hair cut too... I think our first open weekend is middle of October :P My weight. I'm not a big girl, but I'm not a skinny minny... I have a bit of a tummy. I don't feel great about it to begin with, but when someone asks me if I'm pregnant (like last week) I want to burst into tears. A lot of the time though, I feel too busy or tired to work out. Starting in Oct, when it's not so hot out, I'm going to try to walk every other day.
Other things are around the house. Things feel cluttered, I want new couches with out lumpy pillows or torn up arms from the cats. I tried making a slipcover for one, but I don't know that it's going to work. I covered the cushions, and I need more fabic for the couch itself. When you add up all the cost... I could have bought a slipcover
I think my thesis meeting went ok last week and we got some stuff accomplished. She basically implied it was going to take her a few days to get to looking at it.... so I took a few days to get corrections done. I figure she won't get it back to me til the end of this week, so I should be able to just hang out with my dad this week. I'm a little panicked that I won't get it done by the Nov 1 defense deadline. And, I was informed that there will be a new head of the Graduate studies... so that might change the format they want the paper in...*sigh*
I'm feeling like I need some changes, but not quite sure how to approach them. Some are me. My hair, it so needs a cut,something with a little style to it...but I don't know how to cut it, or when really. If I wait so hubby can go get a hair cut too... I think our first open weekend is middle of October :P My weight. I'm not a big girl, but I'm not a skinny minny... I have a bit of a tummy. I don't feel great about it to begin with, but when someone asks me if I'm pregnant (like last week) I want to burst into tears. A lot of the time though, I feel too busy or tired to work out. Starting in Oct, when it's not so hot out, I'm going to try to walk every other day.
Other things are around the house. Things feel cluttered, I want new couches with out lumpy pillows or torn up arms from the cats. I tried making a slipcover for one, but I don't know that it's going to work. I covered the cushions, and I need more fabic for the couch itself. When you add up all the cost... I could have bought a slipcover
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
We've been busy busy lately. Birthday parties, sleepovers, baby showers, etc. I got to see our sitter's baby... he's precious. I could have held him for hours. My "baby" dog wanted to lick the baby's face so bad and wasn't sure what to think when the baby was on my lap. Made me want a baby so bad. We went to K's baby shower. It was nice, and she really liked the quilt, which made me happy. I still have to finish a quilt for her older kiddo. Next weekend is an anime convention in Baton Rouge. I have to finish G's costume (a pokemon) and make a hat for her friend to wear. Yea... pokemon do not translate easily into costumes.
I sort of have felt in a funk the last couple of days. I had bad dreams about my mom last night, so that didn't help. I haven't gotten an email with corrections from my advisor in over a week, so that's ramping up my anxiety. I'm feeling fat, yet haven't quite found the motivation to start working out (I'm going to try and remedy that and walk tonight).
I've started Christmas shopping some. Before you say "Whoa, that's early"... G wants Monster High stuff (not to mention so does my sister) and I'm finding that it's rather hard to come by in the store, and to some extent online, so I'm ordering what I can when I can. She'll have 3 of the main series dolls and the fourth character, but from, the Dawn of the Dance line. We may let her have one early if she saves up her allowance (i'll "magically" find Lagoona Blue at the store one day). They have bags and slippers and stuff... but I haven't seen those in person yet. I have some ideas for craft projects floating around in my head, most recently doing some monster themed sleep pants. I figure, she's doing a sleepover a weekend and she can't just wear a tshirt (her friends all have brothers). Halloween fabric might do the trick, and I was also thinking some mint green ones with black "stitches" from markers would be good Frankie Stein style.
E is irritating me with the scholarship stuff. It takes her 3 weeks to get us an email of which ones she's completed and they're basically all sweepstakes type ones... yea might as well buy a lottery ticket. It's frustrating because she's at her mom's and it doesn't seem like her mom keeps on her to get stuff done. We get the response "we've got a calendar"... yea the calendar doesn't complete the applications for you, just tells you when they are. I sent a list of all the ones due in September and yesterday sent a slew more of art contests she could do (um, hello, you want to do art, doing something that has a set up theme already... good practice). It's just frustration. I"m not in a position at the moment to help out a whole lot financially with her school, so I'm try to help with scholarship searches, etc (let's not even touch on the fact that her mother does not work and her little brother is in school... so her mom could do these searches).
I got an email for Girl Scouts for G. I'm not entirely sure she's even really into it this year, but it's with a new troop...again, so we'll see if this one is more organized. One day at a time I suppose
I sort of have felt in a funk the last couple of days. I had bad dreams about my mom last night, so that didn't help. I haven't gotten an email with corrections from my advisor in over a week, so that's ramping up my anxiety. I'm feeling fat, yet haven't quite found the motivation to start working out (I'm going to try and remedy that and walk tonight).
I've started Christmas shopping some. Before you say "Whoa, that's early"... G wants Monster High stuff (not to mention so does my sister) and I'm finding that it's rather hard to come by in the store, and to some extent online, so I'm ordering what I can when I can. She'll have 3 of the main series dolls and the fourth character, but from, the Dawn of the Dance line. We may let her have one early if she saves up her allowance (i'll "magically" find Lagoona Blue at the store one day). They have bags and slippers and stuff... but I haven't seen those in person yet. I have some ideas for craft projects floating around in my head, most recently doing some monster themed sleep pants. I figure, she's doing a sleepover a weekend and she can't just wear a tshirt (her friends all have brothers). Halloween fabric might do the trick, and I was also thinking some mint green ones with black "stitches" from markers would be good Frankie Stein style.
E is irritating me with the scholarship stuff. It takes her 3 weeks to get us an email of which ones she's completed and they're basically all sweepstakes type ones... yea might as well buy a lottery ticket. It's frustrating because she's at her mom's and it doesn't seem like her mom keeps on her to get stuff done. We get the response "we've got a calendar"... yea the calendar doesn't complete the applications for you, just tells you when they are. I sent a list of all the ones due in September and yesterday sent a slew more of art contests she could do (um, hello, you want to do art, doing something that has a set up theme already... good practice). It's just frustration. I"m not in a position at the moment to help out a whole lot financially with her school, so I'm try to help with scholarship searches, etc (let's not even touch on the fact that her mother does not work and her little brother is in school... so her mom could do these searches).
I got an email for Girl Scouts for G. I'm not entirely sure she's even really into it this year, but it's with a new troop...again, so we'll see if this one is more organized. One day at a time I suppose
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