I just feel....blank.

I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix

Yea, Not good about updating frequently. I thought maybe instead of listing all the things that are wrong/tough/stressful right now, maybe I'd write a list of good things and it would make me feel better.

~Doing a craft swap on craftster. I have a neat partner and some great ideas (I just need some time to work on them all)
~My huge stack of library books - hopefully I can renew them one more time and finish them in Nov.
~The beautiful weather. I haven't been out in it much, but it's been lovely when I have.
~Halloween weekend. We have boo at the Zoo, the Halloween Parade and hopefully the Jenny and Johnny concert.
~Comic-Con tickets go on sale Nov 1
~The new Belle and Sebastian cd. Picked it up yesterday. It's lovely... and it happened to be on sale (bonus!)
~The second season of In Treatment came out on dvd this week
~New season of Sanctuary starts (though we're still catching up on the second one)
~Lots of bands coming to town, hoping we can take in a show or two.
~Christmas shopping/planning. I enjoy trying to find items for people that are suited. Pretty much done with E & G. Hubby's sister and brother in law are a pain to shop for, but I got Battlestar Galactica travel mugs. Hubby is hard too. Probably a video game or 2 or maybe new shoes

I"m trying to just breathe and make it through the next 3 weeks... i feel like I'm getting a hole in my stomach

My dad's in town to visit, so yay. I think he, G and I are going to go see Alpha and Omega this afternoon when I get home from work, as G doesn't have school today and Hubby has an inservice and parent teacher conferences. It doesn't look like that great of a movie, but honestly, I'd rather do that than her as to have her friend over... I'm ready for a little extra kids-free time at our house this week. I like her friends, they're nice kids, but when it's stretches out an entire weekend bouncing houses, it can get a little tiring.

I think my thesis meeting went ok last week and we got some stuff accomplished. She basically implied it was going to take her a few days to get to looking at it.... so I took a few days to get corrections done. I figure she won't get it back to me til the end of this week, so I should be able to just hang out with my dad this week. I'm a little panicked that I won't get it done by the Nov 1 defense deadline. And, I was informed that there will be a new head of the Graduate studies... so that might change the format they want the paper in...*sigh*

I'm feeling like I need some changes, but not quite sure how to approach them. Some are me. My hair, it so needs a cut,something with a little style to it...but I don't know how to cut it, or when really. If I wait so hubby can go get a hair cut too... I think our first open weekend is middle of October :P My weight. I'm not a big girl, but I'm not a skinny minny... I have a bit of a tummy. I don't feel great about it to begin with, but when someone asks me if I'm pregnant (like last week) I want to burst into tears. A lot of the time though, I feel too busy or tired to work out. Starting in Oct, when it's not so hot out, I'm going to try to walk every other day.
Other things are around the house. Things feel cluttered, I want new couches with out lumpy pillows or torn up arms from the cats. I tried making a slipcover for one, but I don't know that it's going to work. I covered the cushions, and I need more fabic for the couch itself. When you add up all the cost... I could have bought a slipcover

We've been busy busy lately. Birthday parties, sleepovers, baby showers, etc. I got to see our sitter's baby... he's precious. I could have held him for hours. My "baby" dog wanted to lick the baby's face so bad and wasn't sure what to think when the baby was on my lap. Made me want a baby so bad. We went to K's baby shower. It was nice, and she really liked the quilt, which made me happy. I still have to finish a quilt for her older kiddo. Next weekend is an anime convention in Baton Rouge. I have to finish G's costume (a pokemon) and make a hat for her friend to wear. Yea... pokemon do not translate easily into costumes.
I sort of have felt in a funk the last couple of days. I had bad dreams about my mom last night, so that didn't help. I haven't gotten an email with corrections from my advisor in over a week, so that's ramping up my anxiety. I'm feeling fat, yet haven't quite found the motivation to start working out (I'm going to try and remedy that and walk tonight).
I've started Christmas shopping some. Before you say "Whoa, that's early"... G wants Monster High stuff (not to mention so does my sister) and I'm finding that it's rather hard to come by in the store, and to some extent online, so I'm ordering what I can when I can. She'll have 3 of the main series dolls and the fourth character, but from, the Dawn of the Dance line. We may let her have one early if she saves up her allowance (i'll "magically" find Lagoona Blue at the store one day). They have bags and slippers and stuff... but I haven't seen those in person yet. I have some ideas for craft projects floating around in my head, most recently doing some monster themed sleep pants. I figure, she's doing a sleepover a weekend and she can't just wear a tshirt (her friends all have brothers). Halloween fabric might do the trick, and I was also thinking some mint green ones with black "stitches" from markers would be good Frankie Stein style.

E is irritating me with the scholarship stuff. It takes her 3 weeks to get us an email of which ones she's completed and they're basically all sweepstakes type ones... yea might as well buy a lottery ticket. It's frustrating because she's at her mom's and it doesn't seem like her mom keeps on her to get stuff done. We get the response "we've got a calendar"... yea the calendar doesn't complete the applications for you, just tells you when they are. I sent a list of all the ones due in September and yesterday sent a slew more of art contests she could do (um, hello, you want to do art, doing something that has a set up theme already... good practice). It's just frustration. I"m not in a position at the moment to help out a whole lot financially with her school, so I'm try to help with scholarship searches, etc (let's not even touch on the fact that her mother does not work and her little brother is in school... so her mom could do these searches).

I got an email for Girl Scouts for G. I'm not entirely sure she's even really into it this year, but it's with a new troop...again, so we'll see if this one is more organized. One day at a time I suppose

Good intentions

Maybe I can keep this updated weekly since daily isn't happening.
My birthday weekend was good. Baton Rouge with K was fun. Yummy Thai food, a run to Babies R Us and beniets (ben-yay....how ever it's spelt) and stopping by her friend B's house. There was suppose to be a Tokyopop thing on saturday...but it turned out it was just them driving their van around. Sunday we went to lunch. We were going to hit up a movie while G was playing at a friend's house, but there were none playing at that time. Got a really good frozen strawberry pie from the store and enjoyed a sunday night of True Blood, Mad Men and Hung. G has been bouncing to a lot of sleep overs/playdates, which is good for her. We did get to catch Scott Pilgrim last weekend while see was a sleepover... it was a lot of fun, I can't wait to finish the rest of the comics.
I worked some more on thesis this week. I'm terrified about not getting it done for the fall semester. I think I will have a nervous breakdown if that happens, it's dragged on way to long.
This weekend G has a birthday party to go to (I hate when invites get sent home like 3 days before) on saturday, saturday night we have hubby's friends traditional August dinner (there are a bunch of birthdays in August, so they try to have dinner). Sunday is K's baby shower. I'm done with the quilt, I just need to wash it and trim threads. I was totally in love with it till I put the binding on. I tried hand binding to make the stitches invisible, but that didn't work, so I machine binded and i ended up with these ugly stitches on the front side. I tried a few times to fix it, but it didn't work. I made her some flannel wipes, and I may see if I can find some more flannel in my stash this afternoon and make some more. I was going to make some embelished burp cloths from cloth diapers, but I realized, if she's cloth diapering, maybe she can use them as inserts, so I'll give her the rest of the pack at some time.

Our former sitter said she'll try to come by this afternoon with the baby. We haven't met him yet so I'm sort of excited, I want to see him and hold him, but I'm afraid it will make me a little bummed too. Another person at work mentioned they were pregnant this week. It just makes me feel a little... blah.
When I get home I should probably clean up and vacuum. Not that the baby will be on the floor...but there are threads and stuff everywhere. I'm feeling an urge to clean/declutter/re-do stuff. I started with the couch. I don't really like the couch to begin with, the back cushions suck up way too much space and aren't that comfortable. THe cats have scratched up the arm. I bought 2 king size sheets (I'm going to need one more) in an attempt to make cushion covers and a slipcover of sorts. I'm hoping in the end it doesn't look like a couch draped in a sheet....
I covered one cushion (the closure is sort of a mess... but I'm leaving it be for now) and plan to cover the other today. The back cushions are going to be replaced by some oversized throw pillows or something. I'm thinking some black and white damask and maybe some black corderoy or something for texture and softness.
When it's not so hot, I plan on reorganizing my craft stuff (garage storage + 100 heat index = bad idea to stay in there for hours). I need to clean out my closet as well.

I just had inspiration hit as I'm sitting here "babysitting" a kid doing testing (making sure they complete it) for a Monster High inspired quilt or pillows or something. G is really in to them (I thought they were awesome at Comic-Con and my sister is really into them.). I wish I would have gotten her the limited edition one. She's saving up for one, but they're hard to come across in the store. We ordered her 3 directly from Mattel. We're going to try and save them for christmas, but if she gets the $16 saved (that's a big if, there's an anime convention in 2 weeks that will most likely have Pokemon stuff and a new Harvest Moon game she wants) I'll some how "find" one at the store one day while she's at school (that is take one from my closet) and let her give us the money. Now if we could only teach her older sister to be responsible with money/ordering things/paying people back.

Yea, I sort of suck at keeping this updated, it's been almost a month, but in my defense, very busy.

Comic Con was AMAZING, and I should do a recap post sometime soon. My alone "grownup" time with hubby was too short. My mom's memorial went well, better than I expected. Got to hang out with some people at the Mall of America and some family, which was actually ok. Held one of my cousin's babies a lot, she was almost 4 months old and so sweet. With my birthday this weekend... I really miss my mom. It seems surreal she's not here. A small wooden box, placed inside of a plastic one...3 feet in the ground.

Hubby and G officially started school today. G is in the fifth grade, so it's the last year of elementary school for her. I need to pay my tuition this week (blech, feels like such a waste of money) and go over the latest corrections to my thesis. I've put them off for the last 2.5 weeks. I want to enjoy my weekend, so I really need to work on them this afternoon. Ive made myself a deal, I can watch Hung while I eat my lunch, but then I must buckle down and look at the corrections. K invited me to hang out friday at sometime, so I'll probably do that, if the tropical storm quits dumping rain. Saturday Tokyopop is suppose to have a tourbus somewhere in the city, but it hasn't been announced yet. Sunday is my birthday. I want to sleep in, and maybe go out to eat, and veg out to the tv with hubby in the evening. I desperately want to see Scott Pilgrim this weekend, but unless I go with K (which I would feel bad about going w/o hubby) or G has a sleepover somewhere, I'm probably not going to be able to go this weekend.

Babies are getting to my brain again. Our sitter had her baby the end of july (I still haven't met him yet), a lady at work is due the beginning of September, I just finished a quilt for her, I snuggled my cousin's baby a bunch this weekend and my friend K is due mid sept, has a baby shower at the end of this month (need to finish the quilt for that...) I was looking at baby stuff yesterday at toysrus. It all so cute and adorable (and a ton of it not necessary), I just want to hold it like precious little jewels.

Had a pretty nice weekend overall. Thursday after work hubby met me and we went for lunch at a Vietniemese restaurant, it was yummy, and they had bubble tea. We worked at the daquiri shop in the evening. Friday afternoon we checked out the renovated theaters at Canal place (yay! Cheese plate) and saw The Girl Who Played With Fire. Friday night we sorta just vegged around the house. Saturday hubby drove me and I went to a Lolita tea meet up. People were late, and I was probably the oldest person there, but I still had fun. The tea and food were wonderful. The rest of the evening we just hung out, watched Doctor Who, vegged out. Sunday we saw Inception (pretty good) and then worked at the daquiri shop. So difficult to get up this morning! Hubby seemed sort of irritated all weekend. I don't know if it was at me, or in general or what. On sunday he mentioned he was frustrated about his art, that he didn't think it was where it should be (I don't know what that means... I'm not an artist.) so maybe that's what he was in a sour mood over.