A little time out with Dr. Horrible sing along blog songs and squeeze fruit can make a day seem a little better.

It's not really a bad day, per se, just busier than I expected and I have a headache and feel sort of emotionally mixed.

Today is E's 18th birthday!!! I called and left her a message bright and early. I can't believe my hubs has a grown child. I don't ever think of her as being that old, she's technically an "adult'. She doesn't exactly act like it... so I probably treat her younger (not in a mean or purposeful way). I hope she has a good day/weekend. She was suppose to have today off, but they had to make up an "ice day" at school. She does get monday off, so ya for her for three day weekends.
My dad is in town this week, mostly so he can attend an art workshop thing. I wish I could have taken the whole week off to hang out with him. I did get to take tuesday off and hang out, and I got to get my memorial tattoo for my mom.
I love the www.offbeatmama.com site... and this week they had a story about someone loving these hipster mormon mama blogs. I'll admit it, I've spent too much time today already reading some. I'm a little jealous. They're all super cute and trendy, but not in an obnoxious way. They have adorable babies and husbands and are like 6 years younger than me(!!!). They look pulled together and stylish. I feel akward when I dress most of the time. For work, I feel like I'm a child wearing work(ish) wear and that I look sort of sloppy. Their bedhead hair looks cute and purposeful, mine looks like bad bedhead. Some of them have gorgeous short hair I wish I could pull off (without looking like a boy). It's fun to look, live a little vicariously. They do all seem to have massive disposable budgets (I discovered Shabby Apple --- I wish I could shop there), and photographers that follow them around, and sponsors for the blog. THey look like an ad for Urban Outfitters/Anthropologie (minus the UGLY stuff they have in both those stores).

So as not to feel like I'm complaining and don't have little things everyday that make me happy, I'm going to make a little list

~Singing LOUDLY in my car. Showtunes work well for this (Hello Wicked Soundtrack and John Barrowman).
~My celeb crushes. Easy way to cheer up, or spend some time. I can pop on an episode of Firefly or Torchwood and it makes me smile. They're awesome shows, but when the good-looking leading men smile or do something swoon-worthy... *Sigh*
~binging on DVDs of shows
~fun nail polish colors -- I hadn't painted my fingers in forever, but found this perfect grey shade, and then I bought the Glee polish (I really should have just bought the slushied color not the whole pack,it's my favorite).
~Thinking about Comic con. Getting tickets has been a nightmare, but I'm still excited to go.
~Planning a weekend to hang out with K and the cutie baby L

I can't believe it's february already. Time seems to be going fast. I'm staying busy at work. I sort of miss my open afternoons -- but the extra money to pay off bills and such is good. They had a mini comic con thing here this weekend. It was neat. A good 'taste' for G about what San Diego comic con might be like. I got an awesome Bones Jeffersonian patch.
We went to Jimmy Eat World last night, David Bazan (who we really like) opened. I thought Jimmy Eat World was fabulous. Hubby thought they were ok, but they're not really his cup of tea.
Comic Con tickets go on sale (finally!) this weekend. Hopefully that will be a painless experience and we can start booking the rest of the vacation. I reserved a vehicle, and we don't have to pay til we pick it up, so that really helps out. A lot of the hotels really jack up prices for that weekend. I was joking with hubby we'll need to bring a powercord because of all the electronics we'll have between all of us and hotels lack a lot of plugs (at least 1 laptop, 3-4 ipods, 3 cell phones, cameras, nook or 2, nintendo ds --- thats a lot to charge).
E's 18th birthday is coming up. I got her a cute tanktop, the first season of Black Butler and ordered the Art of Tangled (Which is backordered EVERYWHERE). I think I'll get her a manga for valentines and then send everything off this monday. For hubby, I got him some awesome star wars art, and plan on getting a cool metal Big Daddy (bioshock) sculpture) and maybe tickets to Jazz Fest to see Decemberists. For G I have some monster high clothes, a pokemon plush and will get the new pokemon game when it comes out.

I'm doing pretty good at remembering to take my vitamins everyday. Working out, however, is another story. It's 5:15 when I get home, and lately Ron already has something cooking, so once I eat, I really don't feel like working out. I guess I'm going to have to force myself anyways.





We watched the first season of United States of Tara last week. I really enjoyed it. Sure, it requires a certain suspension of disbelief (especially if you have a degree in psych) but it was fun. I have the second season in the Netflix Que already.



I read I am Number Four. It wasn't bad. It wasn't spectacular, but it was a good read. It reminded me of the show Roswell (what I remember of the show anyway). I dunno about the movie. I might see it. Hubby saw the commercial and was like "meh, it looks like twilight". I finished Hunger Games last night. It was good. They could have made that the only book if they wanted and it still would have been satisfying. I started on Catching Fire.

G got all A's on her report card. She also was offerred to apply for the Elementary National Honor Society. She does so well in school, I really don't think she should switch and go to school in TX with her mom. She's decided that she wants a colornook and so she's saving up towards one. If her mom sends her money that she has saved at her house... she's only like $40 short. Her birthday is in March, so if people send her B&N cards, she'll be set.
Speaking of birthdays, darn near everyone I'm related to has birthdays in February and March. I covered my friends K and B. Hubby's sister's bday is on Feb 4th. I got her a cricut cartridge, it just needs to be mailed. I need to get valentines for the girls (probably new books,a manga or something), SIL's anniversary is valentines as well, E's bday is Feb as well, and so is Hubby's friend T. Hubby and my sister are both in march, so is my brother, G and hubby's friend J. I have picked up a few things here and there. I have a cool lego art piece coming for hubby. I think G is getting some Monster High clothes and one of the new Pokemon games. I dont know what to get my older sister. My twin said that older sister mentioned she likes Supernatural, so I may pick up a season of that or something.

I was looking at IKEA last night lusting after the new sofa I want to get. Something to look forward to.

So This Is The New Year...

I survived the holidays. Better than I thought. I really wasn't feeling it. Things went ok with E here. A lot of the time when we have both the kids, and they aren't on a routine, things sort of devolve into chaos and I get really stressed. I did get a little frustrated with the messes and wanted to rant about working on scholarships, but I did minimal. Handed her scholarship sheets, gave her a list with due dates, made some suggestions to streamline, and then went over the list last night to see where she was. I just marked done or not, didn't ask "why not, it wasn't hard", just marked it. She's flying back this afternoon, so last night we ask if she's got all her flight info, ID (which has been a fight with her mom -- just get her a state issued id if she's not getting a driver's liscence), etc. She says that her mom got her the "unaccompanied minor" status (she has never done this in all of the times E has flown). She thinks it must have been by mistake. Me and Hubby are like.... no, it's because she won't get you an ID, and thinks she's proving some point to your dad by not, but security at airports has increased and you're almost 18, you can't mark it by mistake, you pay extra. So I ask if she has her birth certificate, so she can do the 'unaccompanied minor' thing to which I get a blank stare. In retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut, let them go to the airport, and not be able to fly, so that her mom would have to come get her and then maybe get her a damn ID. I'd like to point out the following, that makes this so laughable and dumb -- the flight itself was less than $100, she had to pay an extra $50 for the unaccompanied minor.... getting a state issued ID is less than $25... and she's going to have to go to the DMV in Feb to renew her permit (and get an ID) anyway because E turns 18.... so why not get the ID in October (and november and WAY back in July when it was first suggested? Because -- crazy ex thinks hubby is controlling saying that E needs an ID, and she'll just get her the driver's liscence (which E is, btw, no closer to getting than she was last year). Logic eh?

Back to the New year. I have some Goals/resolutions/whatever you want to call them. I guess writing them here is as good of place as any (I planned to put them in a notebook - but haven't done that yet).
1. Become Full-time at work (started January 1) --- technically I didn't have any control over this one, but it was a goal none the less.

2. Start savings account(s) - G & E for school, plus some for possible fertility stuff and some for whatever (vacation, emergencies, etc)

3. Get tickets for Comic Con 2011 and pay for half the trip (can't accomplish this one till they let us buy the damn tickets!)

4. Exercise 3 times a week. This is going to be harder working full time, but I'm going to try, even if it's the wii fit or a walk on the levee.

5. Take vitamins everyday. I should be in this habit because it's good for you... but also working in a hospital setting, I'm exposed to a lot of funk, so extra protection is good.

6. Go to the dentist twice a year (signing up for dental insurance this week...)

There were other things... but now I can't remember darn it

I can't believe Christmas is in a week and a half, seems like Dec has flown by. I got stuff from my 12 days of christmas craft swap (finally), and I'm a little disappointed. She got extra time because she sent late. Some of it is pretty... but its not really my taste. I know in a swap you can't totally cater to a person's interests if it falls outside of your crafting abilites, but it seemed as though she just really wanted to use her cricuit machine. I got, as a small a set of scrapbooking cutout, "green living" themed. I don't scrapbook... or have a particular interest in "green" themed stuff. They're perfectly cute, but nothing I'm at all interested. There was a nice torchwood theme bracelet, and she tried on a tardis tea wallet and a tardis tote. My "big" item was a skirt (I had asked for a skirt to wear to work). It doesn't fit... i might be able to tailor it. I understand when you can't have the person try it on as your making it, you have to guess. However, the waistband isn't finished and it isn't lined. I'm hoping I can maybe salvage it. She made me a cute half apron... but it wasn't something I asked for. She had asked me all of these questions about my quilting.... but nothing was quilt themed. Lesson learned I guess. I can't do these christmas swaps, I've been disappointed both time. I put a lot of effort in and got things that I did't feel took as much effort back.

2 weekends ago, K and B came down and hung out. It was really nice and I got to talk about a lot of stuff with them (which inturn let me talk about some stuff with Hubby) and made me feel somewhat better.

Trying to not kill E about school stuff. I know teenagers are "irresponsible", I'm sure I was to an extent, but difference was, I didn't screw about about school stuff, I knew my parents couldn't pay for it. I think she has it in her head that her dad and her mom (HA!) each have more money set aside than is reality. Or that she'll get given money through colleges. Umm... newsflash, you usually have to APPLY to get things like that. Also, she's middle class, white, good grades -- in a word, average. Not that it's a bad thing, but in terms of college money, she doesn't stand out -- she's not a minority or the first in her family to go to college, she's not valedictorian or plays sports.

I have another hour of scanning (its one of those weeks at work) then I'm going to try to swing by the mall to fuel G and my sister's Monster High habit.

Podcasts have become my new addiction (yes, I'm slow - I think they've been around for like 5+ years). I've been listening to Radio Free Burrito and The Nerdist.
Wil Wheaton - totally a nerd crush. I never watched Star Trek next generation, but I adore him in Big Bang Theory and the Guild. His writing is great, his stories and his blog. I really like his stories about parenting. He's a step-parent too, so it gives me a little faith I can do this whien I think I can't.
Chris Hardwick -- I used to love him on Singled Out. His podcast is hilarious, and nerdy, and he loves Doctor Who..'nuff said.

I'm starting to hate the holidays. All the baby mama drama, it's just draining and frustrating. It makes me feel used and marginalized a lot of the time. Its their mom - I get that, I don't want to replace her, or be her or whatever. It's just really frustrating to do all the day to day stuff, and the extras, and if she does something even semi-decent (or I don't know... expected) - we're shit upon like we don't do anything at all for the kids.
I've sort of decided that for the month of Dec (til we get both kids for christmas), I'm stepping back. I'm not doing any extra stuff, I'm not helping or offering without being asked politely.

Yesterday, for example, I get "you should make gingerbread cookies, I want to decorate them", "I want to watch an episode of Glee, can I watch the dvds in my room" (I just got that set for a present from my sister), "here, my mom thought you could take me here" (handing me a card for a bead shop)" "I want to watch it" (Pushing next me on the couch and wanting me to play monster high episode on my laptop). And then a big fight about Girl Scouts and making commitments and not backing out of them.
Acting like she's being punished for having to go to Girl Scouts. I asked multiple times this summer did she still want to do it, she said yes. So I signed her up. I've bought her a new shirt for it and sold candy for the fall product sale, and taken her to the meetings. She has proceeded to act like a spoiled brat at every meeting and it's embarassing. It's a waste of my time, and it makes me look bad. I'd quit taking her, but I'm trying to make the point of you don't commit to something and then flake (LIKE HER MOM DOES ALL THE TIME!).

I was going to rant some more... but I don't feel great, maybe later :P

I just feel....blank.

I defended my thesis. That should make me feel good, but with the stress of trying to get it wrapped up and the way I feel about the whole process, I don't. I feel frustrated and disheartened.
I miss my mom. It is still so unreal that she's dead. I wanted to call her driving home from school yesterday (like I had so many times, it's a long stretch, good for talking). In october it was a year from her being diagnosed.
Yesterday, I think we basically made a 'decision' about babies. We talked, insurance doesn't cover it. In the state, insurance only has to cover if it's a form of infertility that you don't have control over (i.e. - vasectomy would not count). I looked, there's really no thing as "infertility insurance" that you can buy separately. There are some financing options and stuff...but that's about it. It's between 15-30 to do 1 round (we'd have to do retrieval on hubby, probably where they put the sperm in the egg as his would be lower quality because of the vasectomy, and then IVF). That's the cost of a year or 2 of college for one of his kids... for no guarantee. I can't do that. I can't ask or expect to spend that to *try* to have a baby. Hubby said it makes him feel bad, feel guilt, that he can't give me a baby. It's not his fault, that 11 years ago.. before he ever met me he made a decision that was right for his life at that time. Him feeling bad... makes me feel even worse.
It's just HARD. Plain and simple. at 27, with nothing medically wrong with me, it's hard to except that I won't have a child with the man I love. I know people say there are "options"... but here's the way the breakdown for me. Sperm donor...a) I want a child that is ours, b) even if I was ok with it... it's still not cheap. People have said adoption. It's wonderful for some people, and there are always children that need homes, and for those who can adopt, they're doing a wonderful thing. I think people forget though... even if we considered adoption... it's not cheap, it can cost as much as fertility treatments would cost... so we'd be back to square one.
In some ways I feel stupid. For having feelings of.. I don't know, for lack of a better word... feelings of loss, for an idea. Me having kids has only ever been an idea, so how can I be upset and something that never even made it passed the idea stage? Logic aside. I still feel sad.
I don't want to stay late at work today to make up hours.... I sort of want to just take the vacation time and go home and take a nap or watch Netflix